A realization hit me today. Today was one of those slow, idyllic days where everyone was relaxed and perhaps there was enough time or room in there to dream a little bit. So I did. Along with that came what I have mentioned two posts back about the cycle I seemed to go through and how it seemed I was heading into it again.
So I started to wonder about this cycle again, wonder why I go round and round with it when I know how it’s going to end up. What causes me to pick it all back up again and yearn for the end result that I dream about?
That is when I started to realize that perhaps we weren’t talking about a cycle at all. Maybe what I was experiencing was something more akin to drive, or motivation, or a deep seated determination. Hmmm, interesting. That puts a new spit shine on things. I have never been one to really believe in a cyclical view of history or actions, coming from a Christian worldview I have always had a more linear approach to things.
So boys and girls what I think we have here is simply a case of linear determination and adversity, plain and simple. What I first envisioned as a cycle of discontent that lead to engagement which lead to frustration and then to simplicity and back now seems to look more like a deep, primal drive for an end result that just meets what should be expected adversity and resistance along the way. This is good because it helps me to see a few things:
1. Simplicity as an end result – The previous end of my cycles always ended up back at this point, simplicity for the sake of itself and as a solution. In the new perspective this becomes an issue, a band aid of sorts. If the deep seated desire can only be satisfied by the result it seeks then this solution leaves that desire unanswered. The manifestation of this is obvious now, it typically resulted in me picking back up plans and doing more projects and so on. Discontent would eventually bubble up because the desire was still there, it was just momentarily penned up by resolve, so to speak.
So what do I learn about this aspect? Simplicity is part of the process and part of the end result but is not THE end result itself. I cannot settle for just that, it will never work.
2. Adversity – All plans meet with adversity. While I was previously looking at adverse conditions as a brick wall that caused me to turn back and return to the starting point, I now must look at them simply as obstacles that require ingenuity, and determination.
3. Planning & Patience – I will be honest, I still need to figure this part out. This is where I always run in to trouble. Discontent with work or other areas of our current way of life have historically fueled my impatience and desire to just “get there”, as Sue Jamison said if Off the Grid. The inability to just “get there” in turn would fuel frustration, and frustration would fuel a sense of futility and doubt, which repetitively spelled D-O-O-M.
I need to figure out how to manage or throttle that whole process so that it does not keep becoming the reef that sinks the ship. Once that is managed I believe the rest will go a bit smoother.
The more I think about it the more it becomes obvious. Plans to “just do a garden”, or pick back up books of ideas that spurred motivation are now revealed as that gnawing desire for independence.
An interesting question for another day is where that desire comes from. I am no longer fiercely political, having lost faith in the character of the majority of people that represent us. While I still hold, and likely always will, to a muddled pool (my own) of conservative and independent beliefs, I can’t see that being the motivation. I take little part in following or engaging in the arena at this present time, but I do recognize the inescapable need to do so if I am to adhere to the philosophy inherent in the title of this blog.
Could it be from my worldview, which is Christian? I would like to say it was entirely Christian but having little faith in my ability to maintain a thorough and faithful Christian lifestyle I would say it’s largely Christian and somewhat worldly. Does the desire come from being “of the world and not in it” ? A perfect description of that is found here. Is it a desire to break free of the world that drives it? Not to abandon the world mind you, but in a sense to break free and set up an outpost from which to battle on my terms.
I do not know the answer to that just yet and perhaps it is one that will provide fuel to the fire but as it is it seems I have a little work to do and I think at least now we may be operating from a functional foundation, at last.
