Three days have now passed and nary a thing has been accomplished here. Ironically silence seems to be the primary cause. The house has largely been left to me over the past several days which means it has been very still and very quiet. Apparently this means my motivation to get anything done left with the family as well.
Going in to this three day weekend there were plans to rent a tiller and till the garden, till in some compost and black cow. Plans existed to get some of the decluttering list done. The closet office was going to get straightened up with some of the equipment possibly being moved or eliminated. How have those plans fared? They haven’t.
On Thursday I leave for a three day solo trip in the Ocala National Forest. I am afraid that all this sitting around is going to ruin the solitude I will experience on that trip. One must get motivated.
I spent the larger part of yesterday thinking about church and what seems to be wrong. I ordered a book off of Amazon about that. I spent some time looking at the history of the church, looking at the Orthodox church and making comparisons and so on. It was a contemplative day mostly. It helped me to put my finger on some things that had been bothering me and opened up an avenue or two to pursue. I will probably pick that thread up on my trip.
I was talking with my wife about how during the week I envision all the things I want to do with my time when the weekend comes, often making lists and so on, but I always end up shooting myself in the foot. I always end up staying up too late on Friday night which means I get a late start on Saturday morning and I usually start slow when I do get going. The relaxed pace evaporates any sense of urgency and motivation and I typically spend the day reading, or studying, or wandering around and just relaxing. Basically, nothing gets done. It has been the case over the past several weeks.
Some of this seems to stem from working hard and running so much during the week that when the weekend comes it is nice to just hit the brakes and completely stop, unwind, and rejuvenate. Physiologically I feel pretty balanced, except for the to-do list that remains.
In the end it probably boils down to being one part laziness and one part perpetual planning. For crying out loud, I didn’t even get my seeds ordered yet.
I will end the three day weekend saying how next weekend I just need to go to bed at the normal time and get up like I’m going to work and just get a shower and get ready and start working on my list. The next Friday will come and I will find some reason to stay awake, or to hit the snooze button over and over, or not to set the alarm at all, or to sit in the recliner and suck in input from the computer or TV, or any of a number of different things.
What is in order I think is one part epiphany followed by one part metanoia. Look it up.
Living in a manner where you are self-dependent and off grid does not abide harmoniously with lazy, contemplative, wasted days. There is work to be done.
At least now I know what to bring to prayer today.
God Bless
