Name That Nag…

I do not know today where to begin.  My Dad passed away from cancer 10 days ago, we buried him 4 days ago.  I have been home away from work since the 31st.

Much of my time has been spent just sitting here.  I spent some time writing in a homesteading journal, and a little in a personal one.  The planning activity normally gives me a little boost, provides some inspiration and motivation to go and to do.   For some reason it hasn’t this time.

At this point in time I intend to pursue this dream but something is just nagging me and I don’t know what it is.  I did a few walk-n-talks in the garage where I walk around and talk it out but it hasn’t produced much yet.  I have watched Dick Proenneke and Mountain Men and so on but nothing there either.

I do not think it’s grief. If anything, homesteading activity would be therapeutic.  I think perhaps it’s a mix of things.  Stagnation, hindrances, lukewarm cooperation, those sorts of things.  Obstacles I guess.

I think I look around and see all the materialism and commercial excess in my home and I can’t get rid of it.  They are all signs and harbingers of a life that I don’t want to lead.  Right now I can’t even sit in my garage and be free of it, I have to stare right at it.  It’s the clutter too.

It’s being HERE and not being THERE.  It’s making no progress towards getting there.  It’s getting excited about plans to do so and being the only one that gives a crap about it.  It’s being told that they think it’s a good idea that should be pursued when body language says they don’t mean a word they say.

My Dad would have loved the finished product that’s in my head, but he’s gone now.

I dislike this life and I’m stuck in it.  Peace eludes me at every turn.  That place of peace that I see I cannot reach because of a hundred obstacles in the way.  I am not a very good self motivator so being the only one that expresses active interest makes it hard.  Dealing with an undercurrent of resistance and opposition on a regular basis makes it even harder.

Perhaps it’s me, perhaps these things are in my head and I’m just afraid of succeeding.  Perhaps I need to grow a bigger pair and just be oblivious to the obstacles and steam forward and push and fight for what I want.

Life can often be nothing that you wished it would be and everything you hoped it wouldn’t.  The key may lie in learning to deal with these times, and make lemonade as the saying goes.

So stagnation and clutter it seems.  I feel like a snake that’s having a hard time of shedding it’s skin.

Maybe that’s it but it just doesn’t seem to be everything.  I don’t know what it is but I wish I could find out.

 

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